I found a picture of myself as a toddler. I was in a pink nightgown, riding on one of those toy horses attached to springs. My face was scrunched into sadness with tears strolling down my face. I had seen the picture a million times before, but only recently did I ask why I was so upset in the picture.

My sister replied, “Oh, that was just your morning routine. Every morning you would get out of bed and go to the horse and rock to comfort yourself awake.”
I was so surprised, “Wow”, I thought, “I was like that even back then? That’s how I feel every morning now. I could really use that rocker horse.”

I could have used it when I was exhausted in high school. I could have used it to drag myself out of bed for my morning college classes. . I could’ve used it when I felt like I was going to throw up as I got up for my job every morning. Being exhausted, forgetful, irritable, always thinking I’ll get more sleep the next day….this routine has been ingrained in me from the beginning. I believe that it was caused by both environmental and emotional factors.

Environmental: Growing up in the Alaska, I didn’t know night or day, but rather summer and winter. Winter was night, and summer was day. I never followed a light/night daily schedule.

Emotional: My mother suffered from a mental illness that was frightening to me. She went to bed early - around 9pm. The 9pm hour was when the weight of the world lifted and I never wanted the evening to end. I knew the morning would bring tension again. My father, brother and I would all sigh in relief as “she” went to sleep. We would stay up talking and well….just living. Life was beautiful, creative and weightless…only at night. The feeling of being free has never left me when the clock tucks in the evening hours.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if I get up early. I did that for 40 years. It doesn’t change the time I will go to bed. But I have noticed something that does help - I no longer live in Alaska. I live in a place where day is day and night is night, and when my husband and I go camping, and we are forced to live by the light, I notice after a few days that I begin to follow it. So I am thinking the environment factors seem pretty easy to change.

But I can’t shake the emotional mourning of the evenings and so soon I work my way back into the night owl routine. I love being by myself. I love everyone else being still, the lights low, the local world around me asleep while I stay up. Logically I know this is from my childhood, but emotionally, I am attached to night like it’s a drug. I find it to be pure bliss, and I am not sure if I want to give that up. I need my fix. But at the same time, I need sleep. So, if I can find a way to capture that feeling without staying up until 3:30am, then maybe I can find a peaceful life WITH sleep.